Freschetta Pizza - Down the Sauce Hole/Through the Cheese Glass

Shut up about the title of the post, I couldn't think of something clever. But "Down the Sauce Hole" sounds like the title of an Italian-food based adult film, doesn't it? "Hey baby, try MY meatball sub!" Maybe kind of one of those fetishy things where everyone is covered in pasta sauce.  Kind of an English thing, isn't it? What? Oh right, pizza commercials. (Do NOT google "sexy pizza.")

So our lady here is in a supermarket strolling passed the largest pizza section in frozen food aisle history.  Seriously. In my local grocery store there's two cases of frozen pizza at best, crammed in between the hot pockets and Totinos pizza rolls.  Apparently where this chick lives there's such a demand for freezer pizza that they need an entire aisle devoted to it.  Move over, frozen peas! This town needs some vitamin PIZZA. Never mind the scurvy!

She laments "All these pizzas are the same.  Where can I find something different?"  How about a pizzeria, you daffy bitch? Where the hell do you think you get different kinds of pizza?? The dentist? City Hall? Have you only ever gotten pizza from the frozen food aisle so you genuinely have NO CLUE of another place where one purchases pizza?  Maaayyybbe the phone book can help you.  Look under "pizza." (It starts with a 'P.') That will SURELY be more of a help than verbalizing inane questions to no one in the frozen foods section.

 Also, how 'different' does this pizza she's looking for need to be? If it's flat dough baked with stuff on it, it's pizza.  Does she want a frisbee melted into an effigy of James Carville with a hairless cat perched in top? THAT, my interesting intertube friends, would be a different pizza. (Just picture that for a second, folks.  It's a terrifying vision.)

She steps on a trap door just as she says whatever magic phrase operates it, apparently, and drops Alice in Wonderland style into a magic landscape filled with vegetables. And a giant pineapple, because fuck you. She exclaims "Whoa...red peppers!" Now, I'm not sure about you, but if *I* fell through a trap door in the freezer section of my food mart, I'd sure as hell not be commenting on the produce I came across.  My dialogue would be something along the lines of "FUUUUCK Holy shitmonkies! Where the holyhell am I?? Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, did I fall through the floor?? Am I in the basement? Why can't I see the ceiling? OH GOD HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME? HELP!"

She then starts listing ingredients with such increasing excitement it's like she's never seen produce or cheese before.  The way she's AMAZED at the cilantro you'd think she was told it can cure cancer and gives spontaneous orgasms.  Her tone of voice exclaiming the cheese makes me think she ate some of that magic cilantro (winkwinknudgenudgeifyouknowwhatImean.)

Then there's a pizza case made out of vines, because why the hell not.  Our redhaired grocery store tart is holding a plastic shopping basket she picked up from somewhere in this hellish field of overly large veggies. Maybe she picked it up from behind of of those giant "SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!" Then, as if her LSD trip wore off, she's back in the Stop & Shop with our pizza which is somehow different than the other mass-market frozen grocery store pizzas because of the like, packaging or something. I kind of stopped paying attention.

And of course, I leave you with the moral of our tale: If you are that bored with frozen pizza, maybe you should try making your own goddamn pizza. It's not that difficult.  Stretched out lump of dough that you can get in the bakery department.  Whatever sauce you want, or no sauce.  Whatever else you want to put on there.  Even that hairless cat.