Totinos Makes Pizza Rolls Somehow Less Appetizing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2_LWLNetIQ

If you've never had Totino's Pizza Rolls, they're pretty much heartburn made of lava wrapped in the deep fried skin of the innocent. In other words, certain kinds of people will find them crazy delicious while others start dry-heaving at the name. This commercial doesn't help the product look any tastier or less like something someone who is the product of two cousins marrying would enjoy.

The heroes of our advertisement seem to be two 13 year olds living in a furnitureless house. They're cool and hip and totally relatable to today's youth since they sit on the counter in the kitchen instead of using furniture. Now, I'm not so old and crusty as to not recall being a youngster, and even when I was 13 I wouldn't have sat on the counter in my kitchen. Maybe it's because I wasn't dumber than a box of hair like these vapid lassies seem to be and knew that the furniture in my house designed for sitting was a lot more...oh I don't know... comfortable to sit on. Maybe it's because my mom would have beaten me with the plate the pizza rolls were placed on for dragging my ass on her granite countertops. Is this what the cool kids do today? Sit on the counter? I can't imagine the compulsion to ignore the chairs in the kitchen and sit amongst the toaster and coffee pot.

Seating arrangements aside, we are given the immediate premise from Vapid Long Haired Thin Girl With Headphones #1: "There is nothing they love more than listening to their favorite song." Before she can finish her sentence, Vapid Long Haired Thin Girl With Headphones #2 pipes in to say the identical fucking thing.

It's such an oddly specific thing to say ("There is nothing we love more than listening to our favorite song") that it's entirely ridiculous for them to each have come up with it on their own, simultaneously. Whoever they are talking to (some faceless interviewer) has presumably asked them "What do you love to do?" or a variation thereof. So VLHTGWH #1&#2, in theory, heard the interviewer ask them the question. Why can't they hear each other answer? I can hardly believe their earphones from 1999 and the totally invisiblw music machines are the culprits.

If you and your friend like the same band, you'd refer to the band by name, right? And if you liked the same song by that band you'd say the name of the song. "What do we love to do? Why, there's nothing we love more than listening to 'Shit Bucket Full of Crucified Dreams' by The Dead Weasel Parade!" If you like watching a sport, you'd say "I love watching baseball! Go Sox!" You would never say "There is nothing I love more than watching my favorite sports team play sports." But then again, you probably don't sit on your counters and shove handfuls of subfood into your maw.

So Totinos isn't even trying to pretend we're talking to actual humans here. Right after VLHTGWH #1 & #2 spout that stereo nonsense about "our favorite (nameless) song" the future rocket scientists then go on to say that they actually like Totinos Pizza Rolls best. Wait- you just said there was NOTHING you loved more than listening to listen to your favorite song. Now you're saying deep-fried cheese and pepperoni bombs are your favorite thing? Of course we are again treated to the reasonless almost-simultaneous reporting of this earth-shattering information.

Am I the only person who doesn't think music and pizza rolls can go together in the same string of logic (unless of course you're under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs)? It makes about as much sense as saying "I love my husband more than anything. But my favorite thing is the concept of absolute zero." "There is nothing I like better than licorice. But I like genocide best!" "Kittens are the best things in the whole world. But I like rainbows better." What the actual fuck?

But, my favorite (/sarcasm) moment of this far too long sixteen second commercial is when our heroines prove they are too stupid to eat food. You might notice they tilt their fucking heads back when they swallow. You know, much like a seagull. People who tilt their heads back then they're eating food belong in the same circle of Stupid Hell as the people who violently jerk their bodies from side to side while playing Mario Kart. Or people who duck their heads when driving under a bridge in their car. Or people who move their mouths while they read.

Of course the icing on the cake is the song used in a far too cheerful fashion at the end of this catastrophe. It sounds like the kind of music an advertising exec hastily threw together at the last moment after getting a phone call. "Hi, this is Dave. Yup, I've got the commercial all together. Yes, it is completely relatable to our target market. Haha no, they don't use chairs, do they? Ah kids and their speaking almost at the same time. Hahaha, ahhh. What? No there isn't any music at the end of the commercial. You need music? For the presentation meeting in 5 minutes? Ughh.... how does a vanilla version of a vanilla song sound? Perfect. Save me a pastry."

Totinos should maybe take their commercial money and hire some non-mentally handicapped advertising executives. Or, maybe they can cut back on their ridiculous song choices and buy some chairs for their actresses to sit on. Or maybe they can use their money and buy some food with some actual nutritional value for their undernourished actresses. But at the end of the day they're shilling teeny tiny hot pockets, and how much do you think they really care about marketing, right?