Stupid Husbands and Their Fiber Intake

Why hello my lovelies.  Your Failvertising Diva is back with a delightful ditty about granola bars.  This particular granola bar is brought to you by Fiber One. They're the people who make the cereals with the handsome gentleman (who I *think* is Indian) who says, in a delightful accent, "Cardboard no; delicious yes."  I kind of like those commercials. I like the cereal quite a bit as well.  Hell, I even like these granola bars.  The mocha flavor is so damn tasty I think I might go out and buy some after I'm done writing this post. (Hey, Fiber One People, send me some goddamn free shit!) This commercial, however, fills me with rage.

First, we are treated to the BEIGEST KITCHEN IN THE WORLD. ("Beigest" is a word. Shut up.) There is no physical way for this kitchen to be more beige.  Moreover, the wife is beige.  I don't know about you, but I don't trust people who color coordinate their outfits to their decor.  That's some strange Real Housewife "I Only Wear Pink and My House is All Pink and My Toy Dogs Are Pink" kinda crap.  

Husband comes in and asks "Did we get anything good?" There is one paper grocery bag on the counter.  If that's all she bought, I guarantee you can see it.  Judging by the food on the table, she bought produce.  So, sure, if you think one grocery bag's worth of fruits and veggies are good, then yes, Husband, yes she did.  But, Wife doesn't even answer his perfectly reasonable question.  She shoves right passed that and into "I think you need more fiber in your diet."

Now, my interesting internet friends, your Failvertising Diva is a married lady.  Not once in the decade's worth of time I have spent with my husband have I thought to myself "How's his fiber intake?" or "Is he consuming the right amount of fiber?" or even paid the slightest bit of attention to the fiber content of whatever it is he happens to be shoving into his face at any given moment.  Anyone else think how much this lady cares about her husband's fiber intake is odd? I imagine the only time you, as a wife, would think about that is if your husband had some medical condition requiring absurd amounts of fiber and he was too stupid to keep track of that himself.  Husband's response, instead of the "Why the holy fuck do you care about how much fiber I eat" that I would expect, is a more childish "Uuurrrrgghhhhh."  This leads me to believe she's one of those wives; the ones who are WAY too involved with their husband's diet, clothing, hairstyle, and demeanor.  One of those wives who think a husband is really just an overgrown golden retriever they can tie a bandana around and take for walkies.  One of those wives who treats their husband like a child because their children grew up and she never had a life outside of their home and family so now she need SOMETHING to mother, goddamnit!! (Sorry, I just really hate those women.)

He then says one of the dumber things I've ever heard in my life: "Fiber makes me...sad."  Oh, does it? Fiber makes you sad? Why is that? Did fiber beat you up and steal your lunch money when you were a kids? Did fiber take your virginity and never call you again?  Did fiber crap in the back seat of your Geo Metro? Maybe fiber ran off with your fiance? There is no possible way for fiber to make you sad.  Fiber makes you poo.  It would make seven times more sense if he said "Fiber makes me poo, and pooping makes me sad."  I could almost understand that.  But it's still ridiculous. 

Wife then dares him to taste any fiber in "Fiber One."  He then says "Why not eat this bag."  Is that what he thinks 'fiber' tastes like?  Is that what Fiber One thinks he *should* think fiber tastes like?  I don't understand this marketing strategy claiming that it's sooooo surprising that their product doesn't taste like a pile of zebra crap.  If you need an increased level of fiber in your diet and you DON'T eat the amount your doctor has recommended because you can't find a tasty enough product, fuck you.  You deserve colon troubles if you refuse to take care of yourself because kind-of healthy snack foods aren't as flavorful as the processed cheese-food and Skittles your body is used to you cramming it full of.

Husband then confuses her granola bar for a candy bar.  I'm sorry, Husband, now you've completely lost me.  Never in the history of forever have there been candy bars that look like granola bars.  Ever. EVER. Granola bars are made of granola. Maybe there are some nuts or seeds or rice in them, and maybe some dried fruit or chocolate bits.  Unless it's totally covered in chocolate no one will EVER confuse a candy bar with a granola bar. Not unless they don't know what either of those things are.

This commercial exemplifies a genre of advertisements that make me furious: The Stupid Husband Commercials.   This is a hugely popular advertising technique.
Step 1: Take a ridiculously stupid husband and a smarmy, sighing "Oh look how stupid my husband is" wife.
Step 2: make him do or say something so stupid it would make any normal human be restrained for their own safety.
Step 3: Have her explain the situation to her stupid husband as if he is a particularly incompetent house plant.
Step 4: ????
Step 5: Profit

The moral of my tale is as follows: Listen wives, if your husband is dumb enough to believe it's normal that you're obsessed with his fiber intake, he's dumb enough to believe that a granola bar is a candy bar.  He's also dumb enough to believe that antifreeze is soda, so be careful.

As always, my pretties, please post any suggestions for awful or hilariously terrible commercials for me to rip apart.