Toyota Highlanders Attract Horrible Douchebag Brats

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80pNUxIczig

First off, fuck this kid.  Let’s get that right out of the way.  Fuck his leather jacket, fuck his tight hipster pants, and fuck his “I don’t tolerate dorkiness” attitude.  I will, however, give him mad props for his hair.  I’m almost willing to forgive the tight pants because of that luscious mop of blond gorgeousness.

So, Mr. Seven Year Old Sultan of Cool starts ragging on his parents’ choice of vehicle while his dad is washing said vehicle in the driveway.  Let’s chat about dad first.  He looks like every dad in the history of forever.  I’m fairly certain if you looked at the blueprints for the universe and found the description for “dad,” it would be this guy.  The only difference between him and my dad is my dad wears glasses and a constant beer attached to his hand like an undeveloped parasitic twin. I bet this dad would have a beer can if this wasn’t a car commercial.
 
My question is: what the fuck kind of dad do you expect to have, Kiddy Tight Pants? Is it The Fonz? It sounds like you think your dad should be The Fonz. Anyone who bitches about their parents not being cool while wearing leather jackets probably thinks their dad should be The Fonz.  Listen, numbnuts: your parents are legally required to make sure you don’t die, and that’s about it.  They have no obligation to keep up to your 1950’s sense of “cool.”  Are you being beaten? Are they withholding food from you? Are you kept from medical care? No? Then shut the holy fuck up about your parents not being ‘cool.’  Who bought you that leather jacket?  You look like you probably still piss the bed, so you can’t possibly have your shit together enough to be making money and going to Kids Gap.  Someone has to be purchasing your obnoxious clothing, as well as your delightful hair.  Still loving the hair, btw.

My next issue with this ridiculousness: What the hell is wrong with Cabin Boy Leather Jacket that he thinks he gets to have opinions on his family’s van? Dad’s washing it, obviously, so it’s not like it’s crap covered.  It’s probably nice and clean on the inside. In my experience, parents who regularly wash the outside of the care are pretty good with making sure there aren’t Golden Grahams smashed into the seat and crusty pudding on the seat belt.  There are no dents or big patches of rust that I can see.  Other than being powder blue (which is a pretty douchey color for a vehicle), I can see no problem with this van. Dingleberry doesn’t even complain that it doesn’t run well or is dangerous.  He just says it makes them look like “The Geek Family.”  Guess what, window-licker? You get to have opinions on the shit you pay for.  If you’re the one making payments on the family’s van, feel free to have aaallllll the goddamn opinions you want about how geeky it is.  Until you stop shitting your pants long enough to get a job and a driver’s license and a car payment, keep your attitudes to a minimum.  Daddy could decide to stop buying you your Pull-Ups, and then where would you be?

A brandy shiny new Toyota van pulls up to the house, and the kid starts waxing poetic about its interior and blue tooth capabilities.  What the fuck kind of 7 year old cared that much about vehicle interior of blue tooth capabilities? Do you have a cell phone, kid? I really hope you don’t, no parent should be giving expensive electronic devices to a kid who probably can’t read. And if you DO in fact have a cell phone, why the hating on your parents for not being cool? I think that’s pretty cool, giving a snot nose brat a cell phone.  You deserve a kick in the ass and that’s about it. Be grateful you have this cell phone and permission to hang out with your friends.  I’d probably lock you in your room until you stopped being such a shithead.

We are left with one last gem from Captain Sesame Street: Just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you have to be lame.  Yes it does.  It’s one of the things I’m looking forward to most about being a parent.