Luvs the Magic Poo Sacks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlwOVHP7ngM

I’d like to start off by saying I think the animated babies in this diaper commercial are freaking adorable. Let’s get that out of the way right now. I love me some cartoon babies with their giant cartoon baby heads. I’m going to say for the record that if this commercial was just head-exploding cute cartoon babies dancing around, it would be top-notch in my book. Hell, the babies can even dance to the song the appears to be “Poop There It Is.” I mean, hey, it’s a diaper commercial, right? Diapers are for poops. Even though for some reason Flava Flav does a voiceover. Maybe he wears the diapers. He’s got to be at least 60 now, right? Maybe he has incontinence issues. Why is he alive and Freddie Mercury isn’t? Yes I know Freddie died of AIDS twenty years ago. It’s more of a “how come talentless shmoes get to live forever and awesomely talented awesome creatures of awesomeness die and leave us with an awesome void” thing. It’s just not fair, man. What? Oh right. Diapers.

So, these cutiepants anthropomorphic infants (can babies be anthropomorphized? Questions for another day, Diva) have numbers on their diapies. Like in a contest. That would explain the “Heavy Dooty Championship” banner. Haha, dooty. Dooty is another word for poops. Haha. And it sounds like “Duty.” And “heavy duty” means something is tough! So it’s a pun. Puns are awesome, aren’t they? Ahhh. Ahaha. Puns. Oh Luvs, you and your clever word play. You all are modern days Shakespeares, aren’t you?

Sooo…. It’s a competition to see who can poop the biggest? And this commercial is bragging that when your infant has abnormally large poops they will be contained appropriately by these diapies?

Well…that’s…odd.

Not that Luvs would not want to say they were the best diapers. I am shortly going to be dealing with excessive amounts of diapies and poo- I certainly hope to find the best babypants for the job. A diaper’s ability to not spill horrible wretched human waste like some kind of demonic fountain is a great thing to promote.

The question for me is why are we watching a “Who Can Take the Largest Crap” competition? I can think of nine or ten thousand other ways to advertise good diapers without staging an all-day festival of feces. The aforementioned numbers on the diapered bums aren’t in order, leading one to believe there was a series of qualifying events to determine if these babies were eligible for the Main Stage Defecate-Off. Sooo how many times did these poor babies have to fill their diapers before they got to the final event? I’m not sure if this is a commercial for diapers or a PSA about cholera. (Oregon Trail, anyone? My oxen also have bad grass and I need to ford the river.) This is a serious issue. I’m sure if my infant had multiple diaper inflating poops in a day, I’d be calling my pediatrician.

Also: Why are the diapers inflatable? I suppose they needed some way to show how each Pooper increases his pant load in a greater volume than the previous contestant, but it kind of makes them look like they’re either human oxygen tanks or their bowel movements are comprised of their entire body cavity contents exiting into an elastic membrane.

Can we jump back to the opening for a second? Someone in the crowd is holding a sign that reads “Say No To Blowouts” but they’re holding it backwards. When I’m at an infant feces-based competition, I know I like to hold my sign so the competitors can read it and appreciate my enthusiasm for their colorectal efforts. I wouldn’t hold it so only the jerkwads behind me can appreciate my mastery of the signful arts. Ask any 12 year old at a WWE event. They’ll back me up on this.

But, of course I have saved my favorite moment of this ridiculosity for last. It is of course the final judge of the Poopoff: Tiny Muammar Gaddafi. His wee winky crimes against humanity are just ADORABLE, aren’t they?