Toyota Highlanders Attract Horrible Douchebag Brats

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80pNUxIczig

First off, fuck this kid.  Let’s get that right out of the way.  Fuck his leather jacket, fuck his tight hipster pants, and fuck his “I don’t tolerate dorkiness” attitude.  I will, however, give him mad props for his hair.  I’m almost willing to forgive the tight pants because of that luscious mop of blond gorgeousness.

So, Mr. Seven Year Old Sultan of Cool starts ragging on his parents’ choice of vehicle while his dad is washing said vehicle in the driveway.  Let’s chat about dad first.  He looks like every dad in the history of forever.  I’m fairly certain if you looked at the blueprints for the universe and found the description for “dad,” it would be this guy.  The only difference between him and my dad is my dad wears glasses and a constant beer attached to his hand like an undeveloped parasitic twin. I bet this dad would have a beer can if this wasn’t a car commercial.
 
My question is: what the fuck kind of dad do you expect to have, Kiddy Tight Pants? Is it The Fonz? It sounds like you think your dad should be The Fonz. Anyone who bitches about their parents not being cool while wearing leather jackets probably thinks their dad should be The Fonz.  Listen, numbnuts: your parents are legally required to make sure you don’t die, and that’s about it.  They have no obligation to keep up to your 1950’s sense of “cool.”  Are you being beaten? Are they withholding food from you? Are you kept from medical care? No? Then shut the holy fuck up about your parents not being ‘cool.’  Who bought you that leather jacket?  You look like you probably still piss the bed, so you can’t possibly have your shit together enough to be making money and going to Kids Gap.  Someone has to be purchasing your obnoxious clothing, as well as your delightful hair.  Still loving the hair, btw.

My next issue with this ridiculousness: What the hell is wrong with Cabin Boy Leather Jacket that he thinks he gets to have opinions on his family’s van? Dad’s washing it, obviously, so it’s not like it’s crap covered.  It’s probably nice and clean on the inside. In my experience, parents who regularly wash the outside of the care are pretty good with making sure there aren’t Golden Grahams smashed into the seat and crusty pudding on the seat belt.  There are no dents or big patches of rust that I can see.  Other than being powder blue (which is a pretty douchey color for a vehicle), I can see no problem with this van. Dingleberry doesn’t even complain that it doesn’t run well or is dangerous.  He just says it makes them look like “The Geek Family.”  Guess what, window-licker? You get to have opinions on the shit you pay for.  If you’re the one making payments on the family’s van, feel free to have aaallllll the goddamn opinions you want about how geeky it is.  Until you stop shitting your pants long enough to get a job and a driver’s license and a car payment, keep your attitudes to a minimum.  Daddy could decide to stop buying you your Pull-Ups, and then where would you be?

A brandy shiny new Toyota van pulls up to the house, and the kid starts waxing poetic about its interior and blue tooth capabilities.  What the fuck kind of 7 year old cared that much about vehicle interior of blue tooth capabilities? Do you have a cell phone, kid? I really hope you don’t, no parent should be giving expensive electronic devices to a kid who probably can’t read. And if you DO in fact have a cell phone, why the hating on your parents for not being cool? I think that’s pretty cool, giving a snot nose brat a cell phone.  You deserve a kick in the ass and that’s about it. Be grateful you have this cell phone and permission to hang out with your friends.  I’d probably lock you in your room until you stopped being such a shithead.

We are left with one last gem from Captain Sesame Street: Just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you have to be lame.  Yes it does.  It’s one of the things I’m looking forward to most about being a parent.

Luvs the Magic Poo Sacks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlwOVHP7ngM

I’d like to start off by saying I think the animated babies in this diaper commercial are freaking adorable. Let’s get that out of the way right now. I love me some cartoon babies with their giant cartoon baby heads. I’m going to say for the record that if this commercial was just head-exploding cute cartoon babies dancing around, it would be top-notch in my book. Hell, the babies can even dance to the song the appears to be “Poop There It Is.” I mean, hey, it’s a diaper commercial, right? Diapers are for poops. Even though for some reason Flava Flav does a voiceover. Maybe he wears the diapers. He’s got to be at least 60 now, right? Maybe he has incontinence issues. Why is he alive and Freddie Mercury isn’t? Yes I know Freddie died of AIDS twenty years ago. It’s more of a “how come talentless shmoes get to live forever and awesomely talented awesome creatures of awesomeness die and leave us with an awesome void” thing. It’s just not fair, man. What? Oh right. Diapers.

So, these cutiepants anthropomorphic infants (can babies be anthropomorphized? Questions for another day, Diva) have numbers on their diapies. Like in a contest. That would explain the “Heavy Dooty Championship” banner. Haha, dooty. Dooty is another word for poops. Haha. And it sounds like “Duty.” And “heavy duty” means something is tough! So it’s a pun. Puns are awesome, aren’t they? Ahhh. Ahaha. Puns. Oh Luvs, you and your clever word play. You all are modern days Shakespeares, aren’t you?

Sooo…. It’s a competition to see who can poop the biggest? And this commercial is bragging that when your infant has abnormally large poops they will be contained appropriately by these diapies?

Well…that’s…odd.

Not that Luvs would not want to say they were the best diapers. I am shortly going to be dealing with excessive amounts of diapies and poo- I certainly hope to find the best babypants for the job. A diaper’s ability to not spill horrible wretched human waste like some kind of demonic fountain is a great thing to promote.

The question for me is why are we watching a “Who Can Take the Largest Crap” competition? I can think of nine or ten thousand other ways to advertise good diapers without staging an all-day festival of feces. The aforementioned numbers on the diapered bums aren’t in order, leading one to believe there was a series of qualifying events to determine if these babies were eligible for the Main Stage Defecate-Off. Sooo how many times did these poor babies have to fill their diapers before they got to the final event? I’m not sure if this is a commercial for diapers or a PSA about cholera. (Oregon Trail, anyone? My oxen also have bad grass and I need to ford the river.) This is a serious issue. I’m sure if my infant had multiple diaper inflating poops in a day, I’d be calling my pediatrician.

Also: Why are the diapers inflatable? I suppose they needed some way to show how each Pooper increases his pant load in a greater volume than the previous contestant, but it kind of makes them look like they’re either human oxygen tanks or their bowel movements are comprised of their entire body cavity contents exiting into an elastic membrane.

Can we jump back to the opening for a second? Someone in the crowd is holding a sign that reads “Say No To Blowouts” but they’re holding it backwards. When I’m at an infant feces-based competition, I know I like to hold my sign so the competitors can read it and appreciate my enthusiasm for their colorectal efforts. I wouldn’t hold it so only the jerkwads behind me can appreciate my mastery of the signful arts. Ask any 12 year old at a WWE event. They’ll back me up on this.

But, of course I have saved my favorite moment of this ridiculosity for last. It is of course the final judge of the Poopoff: Tiny Muammar Gaddafi. His wee winky crimes against humanity are just ADORABLE, aren’t they?

Totinos Makes Pizza Rolls Somehow Less Appetizing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2_LWLNetIQ

If you've never had Totino's Pizza Rolls, they're pretty much heartburn made of lava wrapped in the deep fried skin of the innocent. In other words, certain kinds of people will find them crazy delicious while others start dry-heaving at the name. This commercial doesn't help the product look any tastier or less like something someone who is the product of two cousins marrying would enjoy.

The heroes of our advertisement seem to be two 13 year olds living in a furnitureless house. They're cool and hip and totally relatable to today's youth since they sit on the counter in the kitchen instead of using furniture. Now, I'm not so old and crusty as to not recall being a youngster, and even when I was 13 I wouldn't have sat on the counter in my kitchen. Maybe it's because I wasn't dumber than a box of hair like these vapid lassies seem to be and knew that the furniture in my house designed for sitting was a lot more...oh I don't know... comfortable to sit on. Maybe it's because my mom would have beaten me with the plate the pizza rolls were placed on for dragging my ass on her granite countertops. Is this what the cool kids do today? Sit on the counter? I can't imagine the compulsion to ignore the chairs in the kitchen and sit amongst the toaster and coffee pot.

Seating arrangements aside, we are given the immediate premise from Vapid Long Haired Thin Girl With Headphones #1: "There is nothing they love more than listening to their favorite song." Before she can finish her sentence, Vapid Long Haired Thin Girl With Headphones #2 pipes in to say the identical fucking thing.

It's such an oddly specific thing to say ("There is nothing we love more than listening to our favorite song") that it's entirely ridiculous for them to each have come up with it on their own, simultaneously. Whoever they are talking to (some faceless interviewer) has presumably asked them "What do you love to do?" or a variation thereof. So VLHTGWH #1&#2, in theory, heard the interviewer ask them the question. Why can't they hear each other answer? I can hardly believe their earphones from 1999 and the totally invisiblw music machines are the culprits.

If you and your friend like the same band, you'd refer to the band by name, right? And if you liked the same song by that band you'd say the name of the song. "What do we love to do? Why, there's nothing we love more than listening to 'Shit Bucket Full of Crucified Dreams' by The Dead Weasel Parade!" If you like watching a sport, you'd say "I love watching baseball! Go Sox!" You would never say "There is nothing I love more than watching my favorite sports team play sports." But then again, you probably don't sit on your counters and shove handfuls of subfood into your maw.

So Totinos isn't even trying to pretend we're talking to actual humans here. Right after VLHTGWH #1 & #2 spout that stereo nonsense about "our favorite (nameless) song" the future rocket scientists then go on to say that they actually like Totinos Pizza Rolls best. Wait- you just said there was NOTHING you loved more than listening to listen to your favorite song. Now you're saying deep-fried cheese and pepperoni bombs are your favorite thing? Of course we are again treated to the reasonless almost-simultaneous reporting of this earth-shattering information.

Am I the only person who doesn't think music and pizza rolls can go together in the same string of logic (unless of course you're under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs)? It makes about as much sense as saying "I love my husband more than anything. But my favorite thing is the concept of absolute zero." "There is nothing I like better than licorice. But I like genocide best!" "Kittens are the best things in the whole world. But I like rainbows better." What the actual fuck?

But, my favorite (/sarcasm) moment of this far too long sixteen second commercial is when our heroines prove they are too stupid to eat food. You might notice they tilt their fucking heads back when they swallow. You know, much like a seagull. People who tilt their heads back then they're eating food belong in the same circle of Stupid Hell as the people who violently jerk their bodies from side to side while playing Mario Kart. Or people who duck their heads when driving under a bridge in their car. Or people who move their mouths while they read.

Of course the icing on the cake is the song used in a far too cheerful fashion at the end of this catastrophe. It sounds like the kind of music an advertising exec hastily threw together at the last moment after getting a phone call. "Hi, this is Dave. Yup, I've got the commercial all together. Yes, it is completely relatable to our target market. Haha no, they don't use chairs, do they? Ah kids and their speaking almost at the same time. Hahaha, ahhh. What? No there isn't any music at the end of the commercial. You need music? For the presentation meeting in 5 minutes? Ughh.... how does a vanilla version of a vanilla song sound? Perfect. Save me a pastry."

Totinos should maybe take their commercial money and hire some non-mentally handicapped advertising executives. Or, maybe they can cut back on their ridiculous song choices and buy some chairs for their actresses to sit on. Or maybe they can use their money and buy some food with some actual nutritional value for their undernourished actresses. But at the end of the day they're shilling teeny tiny hot pockets, and how much do you think they really care about marketing, right?